Category Archives: Notes from a Love Foolosopher

Suicidal with no intention of Killing

Suddenly, I feel the need to write. With Twitter, my ability to write more than 140 characters have been questioned by myself. Especially a poet like me, stanzas, verses, rhyming, we can make do with the small spaces we’re given. I can write,

You are wonderful.

..and think that be such a poetic moment.

But yes, blogging has been so last season. Unless you’re blogging for commercial purposes. An event write-up, a product review, and so forth. Of course, political commentary could also garner some commercial values. Of some sort. Let’s agree for just once, politics and money are like air and lungs.

Unfortunately, I intend to write about the state I have put myself in recently, or maybe precisely for the past 40 days. In pursuit of love.

Part of this is suicidal because this post will appear on my FB wall and she might come across it, click it, and read it. But if I were to be negative thinking she won’t check on me, or my FB wall, or even know I’m writing about this, then I’m safe. So, there it is, no killing!

It’s been awhile. Pursuing love. If you have followed my blogging adventure since 2007, my ups and downs of longing and loving, my endless ranting about being heartbroken, you might gather what a total wuss I am when it comes to the topic. Heck, people knows me as the romantic poet. “Your romanticism is killing me,” an audience once said. And I grin like a foolish bean when I read one of those very highly intoxicating lovey poems of mine. Or sometimes, I held back tears and went through lumps in my throat, trying to finish a heartbreaking poem, also, one of mine.

There’s something about entering a relationship. And it being a long-distance pursuit. I don’t know if I’m in one at all. And if we’re even together. But there’s a comfort feeling that makes me feel like I’m settled. At 29, you don’t want puppy love. There’s no more excitement. I’m old enough to be thinking what will happen in the future. Logistically. Practically. What to offer. What I can afford to provide. I’m almost like an old fart.

Friends have been advising, take it slow, enjoy the moment. Affairs are fun to have when you’re together, in each other’s arms. When you’re far, you can’t see the tangibility of an affair. As I write my love letters, I feel like those poets in the 18th century, away in warzones, having faith that their love will be waiting for them, clutching the pieces of papers sent with words of love and romance, as if in fantasy, their souls are dancing together.

Today’s love affairs involve more physical affection, sexual attraction and emotional drama. I’ve experienced all that. Using and being used. Everyone’s in it for something, or at least, get something out of it.

The problem with romantic affairs is that it has a shelf life. A year ago, I kept on thinking, this is my destiny. To just have affairs. As a writer, we feed on these affairs as our muse for our writings. As a poet, I feed on my longing as my muse. My longing in wanting something I can never have.

Now, something I can have is there, in a distance, but possible. I told her, I am not settling with her until something better comes along, because she is my something better. But could I be eating my words if things doesn’t work between us, I don’t know.

What I know is this, I want no one else except her right now. But this intangibility and space between us will suffocate me. And patience, as much as it is my virtue, will also be the death of me.

The Curious Swan (Short Story by Abby Latif)

A swan who got so used to the lake, one day, thought to herself.

“Am I destined to just be here. To swin across this lake to and fro, and just walk around the bank, and sometimes, fly here and there?”

Suddenly, the lake spoke to her.

“It’s not your destiny, nor am I trying to keep you here to stay. It’s your own choice. You chose not to explore the possibilities in life.”

The swan, who was in quite a shock, started responding defensively, “I wasn’t given the option. And nobody told me that I even had one. I should blame mother nature. She didn’t tell me I had other options!”

All of a sudden, the lake water started heating up, and it started boiling. the swan, furious of the sudden temperature rise, flew away and found another lake to settle down.

—– # —– # —–

Lakes doesn’t usually heats up and starts boiling, it’s not their nature. But when their reason being were being questioned, they can do perhaps anything.

the dream

it was a couple of nights ago. a dream. with you in it. nothing corny. just us. being friends. like meeting someone whom you’ve known from a different life.

last night i didn’t dream of you. but then today i knew why. i wouldn’t say it here. just incase. by any god given destined fate, you’d stumbled on this post.

there are people in our lives that we are meant to be with. there are passer-bys. then there is me. and there is you.

but i have noticed you way earlier. and … like i’ve noticed those interesting people in my life, whom i end up loving, i hope that this might happen with you too.

i’ll let this flow without pressure. a stream of little river from on top of the mountain. i won’t build a dam. i will sit by it and put some leaves and watch the water bring the leaves to places it shall will.

and then …

“One day You will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon. Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet.” – Rumi

a prayer

A: Tonight I cried during prayer. I cried when I asked for strength. The strength I need to give love. I thought of you. And your kind pure heart. I am so grateful to be a passerby in your path. What you did for the kids was amazing. What you did for yourself is commendable. I pray for your peace, composure, joy. Goodnight. Assalamualaikum.

V: I heart you so much Abby. Sitting in front of Kaabah, and praying for you is my gift for a dear dear friend like you.. Alhamdulillah syukur pada Allah swt for such wonderful blessing for having you in my life’s journey. Alhamdulillah. Waalaikumsalam, Abby. Rest well.

Dear God. I want to love so badly. But give me the strength to love, to give and give, the affordability to give relentlessly, to tell people I love them and mean it, to make people smile when they think of the love I give. Like my friends who loves me endlessly even though they are not related to me.

Dear God, if ‘jodoh’ is not in my books, let me love others, for I now am helpless. I have no money to give, I have no status to pride around. All I have is just words. Words to share about love. How wonderful love is when it’s shared among strangers whom we never knew before. Love that can kill of anger, hatred, arrogance, pride and erase boundaries.

Dear God, I am most grateful for all that you’ve given me. Forgive my wrongdoings in life. I am a weak soul. I am vulnerable and fragile. That’s why I ask for strength. And only to You we all ask for forgiveness and strength. For You are the All KNowing, Master of Everything and Owns everything in this World and Life.

dark cold lonely friday night

in the dim light while listening john coltrane’s “naima” and chet baker’s “my funny valentine”.

a smile on the face.

another drag of the stick.

smokes blown from the nose, and from the mouth.

another smile.

trying to hide the tears.

in longing of the love.

a person.

loved a little less.

probably not at all.


it was different then.

when the ray of morning light used to make the best view.

when the sun light touches the face.

when the words were uttered.

the comfort.

lying on someone’s arm.

face close to each other.

the sweet hug from the back.

those wonderful lovely few days.

love was made and love fades.

a person loved a little less.

fingers became numb.

hiding the tears that forced itself to shed.

a tremble.

a shiver.

night gets colder.

heart gets sadder.

light another stick.

a feeling not everyone will understand.

loved a little less.

then love fade away.

moon refuse to shine.

heart refused to warm.

now, everything changes.

circumstances remained unfavourable.

music plays on.

“naima” …

“my funny valentine”…

fingers shivered.

heart wept.

loved a little less.

now, not loved at all.

for all that matters.

tears … will be shed.

by a person …

loved a little less.

if not at all.

not any more.

one sunday night to a monday morning

its 2.07am. kakak mydin’s lights are on but I doubt they’re still awake. unless they couldn’t sleep because my lappie was quite loud. I was playing some hindi songs then I played “Before Sunset”. the movie has ended but I am replaying it to listen to the dialogue. I love the movie so much. it inspires me so much. in terms of thinking and the art of conversation. julie delpy did a very good job co-writing the script. and I can’t wait for her new movie “2 Days in Paris”. I personally think Julie Delpy is a great great personality. She can sing, write songs, act and now, she’s directing and writing films. its great. and she reads a lot of poetry. whats more interesting, she have her parents featuring in most of her movies, and in “2 Days in Paris”, they will be playing her parents. that would be so cool. well, she is indeed a cool genius.

today, I had my rest, sleeping and eating and yeah, resting. I had my radiator serviced, thanks to colonel who sponsored. heh. being broke in the middle of the month sounds pathetic enough for me. funnily, rezeki sentiasa murah and my car always have fuel and toll money is always there. but yeah, it is pathetic to be broke. but I managed to attend to the reporter at the islamic arts museum who’s doing a coverage on the exhibition my foundation organised and then, on my way back, I got to hang out at my usual spot, had my iced-milo and read. and also bumped into a friend. whom I always enjoyed sitting with, even in silence. some people just brings us that kind of comfort. we can just have our smoke and sit in silence. or she will do her work and me my reading and in silence, we can enjoy each other’s presence. well, I don’t know about her, but I do find that comforting. the other day, we drove around in the middle of the night cruising down freakin’ rich lords’ houses, admiring and bitching about them, and got our brain filled with smoke and just, enjoyed the company.

this made me realised how much I enjoy being in the presence of someone comforting without the requirement of such luxury, being noticed in kl’s hottest spot or indulging in good fine food (although I wouldn’t mind doing all three), but whats more better is that … cruising in the car, or even just parking, in the middle of the night, smoking and enjoying each other’s presence. thats enough.

tomorrow (or today, since its 2.19am monday morning already), I intend to puasa qada’. but I don’t know how bout I’d cope up, since this will be the first since I heavily indulged in nicotine. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. well, I got to try now, ramadhan is coming.

starting next week (or is it this week since its isnani already), I’ll have more time to myself. I will make time for myself. I need to have a better sleeping routine, and I need to adjust myself to certain things. I want to come home a bit earlier, and maybe just have more time to read. just stop by ali maju and have my milo ice or vanilla coke and read by myself. I always enjoy that. its great to be single (sometimes). catching up with my reading. there’s a lot to catch up. and hopefully to take up at least one more course end of the year. self-development. studying with people who are working is so much fun. they’re more open. its fun. we have time to compliment and bitch about work. and traveling. oh boy, do I want to travel. and I want to meet more people. so I can be more intelligent. I think I’m stoopeet right now. like really, not enough brain works up there. I want to have more fun lepak session with lots of conversation.

I’ll try to write a poem for this one.

I want to smell you

like a mother smelling her freshly born baby

like a baby smelling her mother’s nipple for milk

like a kid smelling his dessert

like a bee smelling honey.

I want to hug you

when it gets cold and dark

when it gets tough and hard

when it gets lonely and sad

when you’re here beside me.

I want to see you smile

when I make you laugh

when I make you mad

when I make you sad

when I make you care.

You don’t let me smell you anymore.

You don’t let me hug you anymore.

You don’t let me make you smile anymore.

You don’t want me anymore.

You loved me a little less if not none at all.

I’ll leave you now when you don’t want me.

But I’ll be there when you need me.

Not because I care.

But because I’m born to be there.

Its 2.33am. I can’t sleep because I’ve slept earlier. Tomorrow I have work, but I need to make sure I won’t crave for more nicotine if I want to fast.

If I were your sun

if I were your sun,
I’ll watch you from afar
behind those dark clouds
to make sure where you are

if I were your sun
I’ll love you from afar
behind those doubt you have
to make sure you’ve been loved

if I were your sun
I’ll be a piece of your reflection
you don’t evolve around me
my life evolves to be close to yours

if I were your sun
I’ll be there when you look up
I’ll light your path when you look down
I’ll keep close even when you don’t care

if I were your sun
I’ll always shine after a heavy rain
I’ll always shine after a dark lonely night
I’ll always shine as long as you breathe

if I were your sun
I’ll dry your tears
I’ll keep you warm when you’re cold

You won’t notice me
if I were your sun
You won’t know that you need me
if I were your sun

but …
I’ll be there
like anyone who needs a sun