All posts by abbylatif

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If I were your sun

if I were your sun,
I’ll watch you from afar
behind those dark clouds
to make sure where you are

if I were your sun
I’ll love you from afar
behind those doubt you have
to make sure you’ve been loved

if I were your sun
I’ll be a piece of your reflection
you don’t evolve around me
my life evolves to be close to yours

if I were your sun
I’ll be there when you look up
I’ll light your path when you look down
I’ll keep close even when you don’t care

if I were your sun
I’ll always shine after a heavy rain
I’ll always shine after a dark lonely night
I’ll always shine as long as you breathe

if I were your sun
I’ll dry your tears
I’ll keep you warm when you’re cold

You won’t notice me
if I were your sun
You won’t know that you need me
if I were your sun

but …
I’ll be there
like anyone who needs a sun

tuesday night

10.11pm. tadi kakak mydin gossip pasal kena spotcheck. heh. bukan niat di hati untuk mendengar, but pitching kakak mydin agak tinggi. hahaha. pitching tu apa? saya pun tak tahu. but I just use the word, it sounds cool. as if you know. hahaha. well, I bet this word has been popularised by those judges in those singing reality shows. I’m a sucker for singing reality shows. altho I kutuk afterwards. but I wanna be the stage manager. they don’t know how to utilise stage. as if I know. hahaha. kenkadang kelakar la kakak mydin ni. pukul 10.13pm. baru nak makan dinner. hurm, should I be nosy and advise them not to take dinner that late. or maybe they’re having supper. hahaha. kepoh giler. as if I don’t have anything else to do. well, can’t talk about things going on in my life. then, I’ll bore you. owh, hari ni, saya menggunakan kecanggihan teknologi yang diaplikasikan dengan penerimaan laptop oleh colonel. since I don’t have an mp3 player but muid gave me the cassette adapter he used during those stoneage time when he drove kancil, so what I did was to put my laptop on the co-pilot’s seat, and attach the casette adapter to the laptop and wallah, kedengaran merdu suara penyanyi penyanyi antarabangsa dan tempatan bersilih ganti melalui laptop ke radio kereta. rasa hebat giler, macam pro-IT gitu. hahaha. as if you would know better. hey, I’m trying to be creative ok! I got home, colonel was having a smoke outside and got down to talk with him about some business plans I have in mind. he said I have to build a more credible portfolio first. its good, sitting down and chatting with the colonel. after this, I will have to ajar colonel untuk menggunakan printer/fax/scanner/copier yang baru dibeli for his office. maybe I should be a technician. hurm. my colleague proposed me to be a security guard considering sometimes I find it hard to sleep at night. no, I’m not insomniac. I’m just horny. hahaha. no, I’m not a pervert. as if you’re not randy once a while. takdelah, itu bukan isu nya, cuma, I just sometimes get sooooo exhausted sampai tidak boleh tidur. hohoho. pelik sungguh bunyinya. hari ini, saya melakukan survey di friendster. hahaha. bosan giler. I wanted to post it here, but, at least, posting it at the buletin board in friendster gives you the choice to read or not, whereas here, you’d be annoyed to “have” to read it. as if you’re not already annoyed reading practically crappy nonsense and updates of the life of kakak mydin belakang rumah saya. 10.21pm, kakak mydin masih belum makan. hurm. kerja banyak kot. as if I don’t have anything else to do. and as if you do. hahahaha. I’ll write a more intellectual post after this. apparently, I’ve become dumb and stupid as time goes by. as if time waits for me to be smart. as if ……..

monday night

its 9.51pm. kakak mydin mesti penat bekerja. tak bising-bising. I felt bad, belum set up printer colonel. hurm. I need to speed things. asal on computer je, chatting la pelbagai. owh, kakak mydin sudah mula bergossip. hehehe. told my friend, I might rename this blog to “rumahku di belakang rumah kakak mydin”. she said I’m the nosy neighbour. I said, I prosper thy neighbour. hehehehe …. its 9.55pm, monday night gossip session bagi kakak mydin. heh. I got home quite early. wanted to singgah meet my friend but she’s busy. I chatted with my rock. my confidante who went away to work in singapore. funny thing, she can tell when I hide things, when I’m not really doing good. agak sedih, she’s not here. I want to hug her. I want her voice telling me I’ll be okay. its been awhile, I want to hug someone who would understand me. people apparently have no time to lend a hug anymore. either they’re too busy or they’re afraid of me, what a load of shit. either way, hugs should never be kept to oneself. it should be spread around. I don’t see why people chose to gossip then hug. whats wrong with hugging? I like hugging. I being hugged and being affectionate with someone. mungkin kakak mydin tu, adelah manusia yang affectionate. mungkin. 10.06pm. kakak mydin sidai kain sambil berkemban. hehehehehehe …. nothing much to see. my stuffs are better. heh.

sunday evening

its 7.14pm. after 12 hours. kakak mydin sudah tidak berbunyi lagi. hormat maghrib kot. baguslah begitu. the colonel is confiscating my pc tomorrow. in return, he will give his laptop to me. okayla. I’m accepting it. at least I’ll be on mobile from now on. next month’s budget, buy a cool and bigger bag to fit the laptop and all my junkies wankies stuff. I do carry battery operated devices in my sling bag. cannot leave at home. will need when instant urges kick in. yes, terima kasih kerana berfikiran kotor. saya bermaksudkan digicam kesayangan dan gadget-gadget yang lain. saya tahu, selepas post “tepuk dada saya, tanya selera masing-masing”, ramai singa-singa menunggu masa untuk put their paws on my dada. invitation still opens, but with warning incase I bukak pencak silat. heh. tanya la selera masing-masing. kakak mydin tak masak kot hari ni. selalu time-time cenggini, riuh rendah bunyi kelentang-kelentung periuk belanga berpencak silat bersama suara nyaring gossip harian. kenapa pencak silat menjadi tumpuan, saya pun tidak tahu. 7.19pm, saya penat. but I wanna share what I’ve written after the convention. I sat down at Dome KLCC enjoying my caffeine and nicotine break while brainfarting these following thoughts.

—– # —– # —–

“The Making of Bangsa Malaysia”, was the utmost interesting, controversial and yet endless topic chosen as the premise for the Perdana Leadership Foundation’s panel session at the recent 5th International Convention of Asia Scholars (ICAS) held at the KL Convention Centre on the 5th of August 2007. Despite it being a Sunday morning and the last day of the convention, the session not only managed to attract more than 30 participants that consists of people from all ethnicities (foreign and local), but also got the floor to engage in a heated discussion on the sensitive issues surrounding the formation of “Bangsa Malaysia”, which was originally initiated by Malaysia’s former Prime Minister, Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad.

The panel session which was chaired by Assoc. Prof. Dr Mohamed Mustafa Ishak (UUM), and convened by Dr. Mustapa Kassim (IPDM/UUM) gathered some top local academicians which includes Dr. Ariffin Omar (UUM), Dr. D.S. Ranjit Singh (UM), Dr. K. Nadaraja (UUM) and the Foundation’s own scholars, Ms Sue Valquis Mashhor and Mr. R. Sivaperegasam.

The session started with each panel who was given 20 Minutes to speak on subjects of their expertise which comprises of the overview of what is Bangsa Malaysia; the definition of Malay; an overview of the foreign colonisation and occupation; islamic fundamentalism and other contentious issues; nation building under the Vision 2020 context; a retrospect of agendas and policies implemented by all 5 Prime Ministers of Malaysia and its relevance as a guideline for the future; and “Ketuanan Melayu” (Malay Supremacy).

I am pretty sure that I was the youngest in the crowded room and spent most of my time on my feet, taking photos of the session as of listening attentively to the discussion. As much as I doubt any of my friends, if not my peers, would be of an interest in the subject, nevertheless, I felt like a representative of the youth, if not the millennia generation.

In creation of “Bangsa Malaysia”, race has been the most important and integral part of the formation of the subject. I have been talking to a lot of foreigners lately and every single one of them agreed on the harmony and utmost tolerance that we practice in our society. Thus, raising the question of “Why is it still a difficult attempt to create this Bangsa Malaysia, if such tolerance is practiced in a harmonious and unite nation comprising of diversified ethnicity?”.

Malaysia was built by a group of people who were educated under the colonial education system. With a combination of well-educated and open-minded elitist and politicians, independence was achieved 50 years ago. Despite a couple of racial riots like the unforgettable 13th May Tragedy, leaders of all races tried to tolerate each other for the survival of their respective races.

This lead to the only issue that human being struggle endlessly in life. “To survive and maintain existence”. Nobody chose to not exist. In order to exist, we have to survive. Those who failed to survive, will end up in extinction. People who managed to survive will have to evolve, not only physically, but also mentally, in order to maintain their bare existence. That’s the circle of life, which leads to how we live. Putting death aside, this is what we practice, in order to not disappear from the face of the earth.

For someone without an academic qualification on the subject (business school teach you to make money, bulks of money, for not yourself, unfortunately), this has been thought through and concluded by rationalisation and logical thinking. Those who study philosophy would come across the basic but most popular question ever asked, “WHY DO WE EXIST?”

The panel discussion brought us to the implementation of policies by the reigning government for the past 50 years. As we discuss about the formation of “Bangsa Malaysia” within the existing races in Malaysia, what about the excessive inflow of undocumented workers who are actually creating their own “Malaysian culture” in Malaysia? This issue prevails the level of tolerance practiced by the government. We have tolerated the inflow of these immigrants or migrants to our country by understanding the need of their existence in building our economy. This is not the matter of showing to the world that Malaysia is a tolerant nation but more to understanding the significant of such existence of other races in order for our own people to survive.

But if such understanding is practiced, then why is there a problem or sensitivity that rise within the context of unity?

Being young and naive, I’ve realised all my theories end with a question. Even discussing such an intellectually-inclined issue, I can’t help from being philosophical.

—– # —– # —–

thats all I got from that break. I think becos I pushed my brain too hard, I got brain numb again. kakak mydin dah start masak-masak. its 7.50pm. I better mandi, then pasang radio kuat2, then menari half naked. yeah. why not annoy them. ingat aku suka sangat ke terlibat dalam terdengar gossip-gossip pekerja mydin? its 7.52pm. my room is a mess. my cousin is sleeping over with his fiance. afis had to crash in my room becos fiqah had to sleep with the fiance. malam ni takde kakak mydin berkemban sidai baju. but, gossip dalam bilik boleh tahan kuat la. argh, aku nak pasang radio and menari half-naked. hahaha.

“Media and National Development”

Last Wednesday, the Perdana Leadership Foundation with Institute of Quality and Knowledge Advancement (InQka) UiTM organised the 6th Perdana Discourse Series with the title “Media and National Development. The event was a full day discourse with an hour keynote address by the Foundation’s Honorary President, YABhg Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, an opportunity for a Questions & Answer session with Tun, followed by a panel discussion and breakout session for the participants. Panelist includes Steven Gan, the editor-in-chief for, Datuk A Kadir Jasin, the editor-in-chief of Berita Publishing Sdn Bhd, Jeff Ooi, citizen journalist from ScreenShots, and a student representative Dr. Kamalan Jeeva, a very well experienced national debater and a vet by practice.


Okay, I’ll spare the details, you can visit the Foundations website for more info and even for some pictures of the event –


I was there, so, I’ll share some visual insights.


It was a great event and I met a lot of great people. I had the chance to chat with Dato’ Marina Mahathir (to date, I’m still confused whether its Datuk Paduka or Datin Paduka. Well, I better start calling her ‘MaM’ instead then). And to make my day, she recognised me as for she did asked “how come I haven’t seen your comments for a while now”. Hehehe. Sorry MaM, I got a bit too busy here and there.


I had a very great time engaging interesting conversations with people from all fields and most of them are much much older than me, which is simply great.


I ended up lepaking at Oldtown Kopitiam in Cyberjaya with a new friend I met as I was walking towards my car and we chatted from 7.00pm till 12:30am. Hahaha. People can really talk, I tell you. Add some caffeine and nicotine and conversations seem irresistibly engaging and endless. But I’m game for great conversations though I’ll end up listening and observing, and its always a great experience.




Yesterday (Thursday) I watched ‘Berbagi Suami’ for the first time. Great movie, nice storyline. And fantastic music. I must get the Original Music Soundtrack. At least they don’t have just ONE theme song which is played throughout the movie over and over again like most of our local films. Come on, there a a lot of great underground bands that can fit in your movie soundtrack, do some research la. Takkan semua nak pakai Jac Victor, Misha Omar atau Siti jer ….


My favorite song from the movie of course is “Pergi tanpa Pesan” by Sore. Superb group. What a diverse song range they have. Brilliant musicians!




Well pembaca sekalian, I’m off to “do work”. Lunch time is finishing. (“,)

Lost ….


This morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I realised that my locket, the opal stone as a pendant on my necklace, was gone!


And, it was gone since yesterday (refer pic: GAMBAR SELEPAS, taken Sunday, April 15th)


The white Opal stone was bought in 1988 by mom in Australia.


The mineraloid opal is amorphous SiO2·nH2O; hydrated silicon dioxide, the water content sometimes being as high as 20% but is usually between three and ten percent. Opal ranges from colorless through white, milky blue, gray, red, yellow, green, brown and black. Common opal is truly amorphous, but precious opal does have a structural element. The word opal comes from the Sanskrit upala, the Greek opallios, and the Latin opalus, meaning “precious stone.” Opals are also Australia’s National gemstone.

Opal is a mineraloid gel which is deposited at relatively low temperature and may occur in the fissures of almost any kind of rock, being most commonly found with limonite, sandstone, rhyolite, and basalt.

Opal is one of the mineraloids that can form or replace fossils. The resulting fossils, though not of any extra scientific interest, appeal to collectors.

– information courtesy of wikipedia –


I have been wearing the necklace for a good 7 years now, before that, only during Raya holidays, but since 2000, I started wearing it and became attached to it. I only took out my necklace for 2 reasons, X-Ray and to get it cleaned at the jewellery store.


I felt lost. I felt incomplete. I haven’t told mom. I’m quite terrified. But I know, things got lost along the journey of our life.


I got used to it so much, I never bother to give it a look. When I did, it was gone.


Now, I’m wearing the necklace without the great white opal stone.


I felt hollow, but I’m not letting go.


Let it show, the empty hole at the locket there.


Let it show, the hollowness I feel, and the lost that haunts me.


I haven’t cried …. not yet.

In search of Peace, we have to Criminalise War

It was an HONOUR, definitely an HONOUR, to be exhausted, to have blisters at my feet, to feel every part of my body aching, to not be able to eat because I had to run around here and there, because I was part of such a remarkable, exciting, interesting, inspiring and EXCELLENT event of the year, the PERDANA GLOBAL PEACE CONFERENCE & EXHIBITION 2007 – “Expose War Crimes, Criminalise War”.


I know a lot of you out there, especially those I know personally, couldn’t attend the event because it was held on working days and Profit-Making industry won’t let people take leave to attend events like these. So I thought, I might as well share my experience here, as for sharing knowledge, experience and feelings have become my forte these days (though condemned and criticise, I don’t care shit bout that).


The event have taken a whole 6 days of my life out off blogging. Yes. Indeed it had, and was a bit depressing in that sense. Nevertheless, I did manage to “curik” a few moments to run up the Secretariat Room and check the blog to see if anyone misses me. Hehehe. (It was worth the run, I might add).


The event, took place in the Merdeka Hall, PWTC from Monday February 5th until Wednesday February 7th. Although I have been doing the job assigned since, February 1st, despite the holiday, have been coming to work, including Saturday and Sunday. I was at PWTC the whole day.


It was an incredibly informative forum (now I know that depleted uranium exist – okay, don’t judge me!) and I learned hell a lot, and a lot of it was hell. Especially listening to “The Man in The Hood”, Ali Shalah’s testimony, of his hell experience in the Abu Ghraib prison, how the US Army treated the prisioners, god, WaAllahualam, only God knows how much he had suffered. What amazed me the most, is that he was able to read out the testimony, to tell the story (in Arabic, assisted with the English translation as subtitles), he didn’t break down as everyone else brokedown and cried. When repeating the story, re-telling it over and over again would mean reliving the life he so much wanted to forget. But I told someone, that he was taken in the prison a normal man, now, he’s the strongest man. But there’s more coming ahead, the consequences and risk he’ll be facing for exposing the truth. It is a scary thought but I have faith when I said he has become “the strongest man”, he’ll be able to face things that’ll come his way.


There are a lot of things happening in the forum, the incredible individuals that I’ve met. It was totally a Global event. The speakers are so incredibly great, credible and eloquent in their respective field.


I think I enjoyed most are the ones from these speakers.


Ms Hana Bayaty, who talked about how we should actually support the resistance in Iraq to show how small powers, actually have powers to resist the so-called big powers. Ms Hana Bayaty is a writer and chief editor of Al Ahram Weekly for Iraq and also member of the executive committee for Brussels War Crimes Tribunal. I might just say, she is just so gorgeous, she doesn’t look like an Iraqi, with her exotic Mediterranean beauty, one might mistaken her for an Italian lady.


Then, Dr. Christopher Busby, the scientific secretary to the European Committee on Radiation Risk who also edited the recommendations of the ECRR Committee 2003 and also and expert and author on DU. But what would make him memorable is the way he talk (since he is a scientist, one might not expect he would talk casually and freely), and of course, the peace song that he composed and sang in front of the 2000 peace activist who came during his session. He was bombarded with girls coming to him and asking for his autograph as if he’s somekind of a rockstar. But a humble scientist, he said “you don’t know how much this had boasted my ego”.


And the last on my list would be Muhammed Umar, Chairman of the Ramadhan Foundation. A Palestinian who have resided in the United Kingdom. And I must agree with him, that all we want is integration. I quote him, “You can be 100% Muslim, 100% Catholic, 100% Jew or whatever, but what we all want is integration” (unquote).


There more great speakers, but since I was working in and out of the hall, I could really sit and enjoy their sessions. I did enjoy the knowledge I gained from Dr. Leuren Moret, who is a geosccientist and radiation specialist and had testified at the International Tribunal for Afghanistan in 2003 as expert witness on depleted uranium. She told me, she did the research on depleted uranium for 7 years, and 16 hours everyday during that period. Wow! Simply incredible I tell ya! And she was kind enough to have a picture with me and kissed me luck.


I had the pleasure of talking to a participant who came all the way from Dublin, Ireland. Valerie Shortland, a committee member of the Irish Anti War Movement who came here on the invitation of her friend, Mr. Ibrahim Mousawi, a Palestinian who is one of the expert witness on stand during the War Crimes Tribunal yesterday and also the editor-in-chief for Al-Intiqad & Al Manar TV. Valerie shared with me the progress of her movement, how they are petitioning in Dublin against the entrance of war aircraft in their sky territory (okay, I sound stupid, I don’t know the exact term). Valerie right now is off to Bangkok, to join her daughter who volunteered in a government orphanage there, in search of one handicapped Thai orphan with means to sponsor him. I wish her the best of luck in her quest. She might not be able to save 200 children, but saving one would do enough than anyone else who questioned her intention and told her that saving one wouldn’t help the situation in general.


The forum have been an eye opener, had encouraged me to work harder.


It is a blessing to just work around such aspiring and inspiring individuals.


I would also wish the best of luck for Tun Dr. Mahathir who have been nominated by the Congress of Bosnik Intellectuals and two Christian groups the Serb Civic Council from Bosnia and Herzegovina and the Croat National Council for the Nobel Peace Prize.


As Ms Cynthia McKinney stated, “Kuala Lumpur is now, the capital for Peace”.


So please, don’t call this BodohLand anymore. If any of you would do that again, I’d advise you to find a smarter land to live in.


More information can be obtained at the Perdana Global Peace Organisation website and also news can be obtained at the newsroom of Perdana Leadership Foundation portal. In the PGPO website, they promised to upload the mp3 and lyrics for Dr. Christopher Busby’s peace song.

life goes on …. and on … and on …

the trouble with remembering is that you never can go back
the trouble with tomorrow is that I’m living in the past

When You Miss Somebody by Tompi-

Today is my last day driving to work from Sungai Besi. Probably the last day I can wake up at 6am, and leave the house at 7am to get to work before 7.30am. Today was good, I arrived earlier than one of the two people who always arrive ahead of me. (“,)

Starting Monday, I’ll be commuting to work from Selayang. That’ll be Selayang to Putrajaya back to Selayang every single day. In my email to friends, I wrote ‘every freakin’ day’. Heh.

On the bright side, I’ll have more time to sing my lungs out in the car, and I got to really beat the sun this time, maybe not upon my arrival to work, but at least, as leaving the house early, I can see how she rises, I can spare a few moments exchanging goodbye embraces with the moon.

On the darker side, I don’t know how my body would cope. I rarely have the want and desire to eat these days except during the weekends. I rarely take dinner, I eat very lightly in the office, I don’t do lunch, and I bring ‘bekal’ from home, whatever my mom’s maid managed to prepare on the table and sometimes, when I eat them around 10am, they have already gone cold so I don’t eat that much as well. At nights, I would feel hungry, but I rather sleep than go to the kitchen and have something to eat. So, the only energy source would be from whatever scrap of food I manage to take during the day and I will have strong black coffee throughout the day at the office. An average of 3 cups a day. Yes, caffein rules!!!!

The only thing I’m looking forward is just to finally have my own room which I can really decorate as I want. Well, in Sungai Besi, we lived in army quarters, so we can’t really paint of have anything on the walls.

I’m so used to moving every 3 years all my life, and this move, have been the least I’ve participated in. Sangat malas sudah. But my parents, despite having moved for about 14 times throughout my dad’s service, are still strong and it kind of make me look bad. So, I’m trying my best. The constant traveling to move the books and stuff back and forth Selayang-Sungai Besi is really draining my pocket, fuel consumption, horrendous!

But the fact, in a way, I managed to squeeze in a few forbidden pleasures along the sideway, then its okay.

Its just tiring thinking of the future traveling!

okay, I need my second cup of black coffee now!

Come 2007

I’m not big on resolutions.

The only thing I’m proud of to start the new year, is a great chat with a good friend and this morning, I did what I love most, even before I fell in love with writing.

I danced like I haven’t dance for years.

I danced to Boogie Wonderland from the Happy Feet soundtrack with Brittany Murphy on vocals and I even did the “konon” tap dance without the tap shoes. Just to get my legs going, following the beat and must I admit, I would make a good tap dancer, ahah.

Then, I danced to Justin Timberlake’s My Love. And Nelly Furtado’s Promiscuous.

I sweat like a pig. But I love it. Starting the day with something I was before, a dancer. I was a dancer before I started to write.

I love it.

2007 should be good from now on.


Happy New Year people, much love from my big heart.