T-2 to 2020

In this past decade, I got my name engraved on the floor of Publika alongside one of my best lines from my favourite poem. I owe it to Ong Jolene and Nani Kahar for making it happen.

Sometimes when I feel down and alone, I come by to this spot and just stare at words and name. “Aku Jantung, Kau Udara, Mari Kita Bernafas Bersama-sama.” – Abby Latif

I am probably the most insecure person I know, and it takes a lot of growing up to get to where I am right now, being able to feel proud of myself. There are times and circumstances when I still think I have not done enough. But this year, the biggest lesson I learned is to finally accept everything – EVERY SINGLE THING – that has happened, and everything that I am.

Thank you, for all your love that you have shared. Attention is the most priceless thing and ironically, everyone paid the price. I am a walking definition of an oxymoron. Here I am, humbly bragging about my milestones.

Come here when you can. Tell me how seeing my name here makes you smile. And if you can, feel the love that I have when I first wrote these words. Because love makes me smile.

And fuck you if you say Paru-paru makes you bernafas. Suka hati aku lah. You write your own paru-paru dan oksigen poem!

T-3 to 2020: Things I learned in 2019

Strength is built by facing your fears, pain, demons and dealing with situations.

Moving forward by numbing your pain and ignoring your problems is just cowardice ego.

Nothing is ever a good excuse to be cruel to the heart that loves.

My emotional front is always perceived as a crazy reaction. “She crazy” “Lembiknya, sikit-sikit emo” “She’s driving me crazy with her emotional outburst”.

I rather be crazy than numb because only when you’re so deeply connected to your soul and your emotions, you will know how deep you can actually love. Plus, only the geniuses loves like crazy. If you don’t love crazily, then… you no genius. Haha.

People who are brave confronts their emotions. They feel and question it, constantly. Because emotions are fucking scary and painful but it’s the only way to build your inner strength. If you constantly run away from it, you will never know how to deal with it and that’s just building more and more into your fear.

Never let your ego make you a coward. Do not take pride in running away from dealing with your problems and your emotions. And do not glorify those who does – you should instead be worried for they will falter and break when you least expect it.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

In the spirit of Christmas, the least or actually the best thing that you can do is to be true to the people that you love.

This is me back in 2008 when I was 26 years old experiencing my first Christmas lunch with my English boss’s family. I’ve always love Christmas, the food, the presents, the eggnogs, and the ugly sweaters (yeap, that one was brought by my Mom – all fitting the entire concept).

With all the cheesiness from my hands to yours – May you find your one true love filling in the shattered pieces of your broken souls.

Can’t go in

I can’t go back to how it used to be but I am struggling to define home.
Home used to be where the person I have entrusted my entire heart stays within the reality of being.
Of being together.
Of growing beside each other.
Because human being is a verb, one voice of reason once told me.
I tried my best to see not only beyond the raindrops but within its liquid splashing on my window screen as if hitting me with senses that I am not able to reach.
If we choose love because we enjoy the emotional care and undivided attention, then why didn’t love choose me in return?
If we choose a partner so we can be an equal to their strengths, dreams, intelligence and maturity, then why didn’t my partner choose me in return?
You will never be good enough for me, that’s what she said in silence, without any words.
And here I am, in front of a home I am still trying to find a sense of belonging in.