Sometimes all we need is to clock out
Clocking out from time itself
Where we don’t have the need to move forward or look backwards or even be idle
We need to enjoy the spaces between hollow and void
Where we don’t have to measure the abyss or search the horizon
And right here right now
We just feel
Feel the core of our existence
Feel the rhythm of our heartbeat
Feel the abundance of joy in our smiles
So we can be, being this.
Me. Saya. Ini. Ya.
While a lot of people fear of being used, my regret is people who don’t use me properly.
Whether it is using me as an asset or as a mentor. I have nothing but just energy, love and knowledge to share but it saddens me when people around me don’t find the need to absorb all my abilities so they can be better OR squeezed me wrongly until I’m weak when my strengths could’ve helped them be so much better.
Sometimes it is not the need to be wanted, but rather the regret of being taken forgranted.
Let’s see who is smart out there who will take this advantage to be so much better. I, on the other hand, will serve and contribute only to those smart ones.
I was given the opportunity under Kakiseni to participate in mentoring 9 youths from Cambodia, Lao PDR, Indonesia, Singapore and Vietnam under the #eMpoweringyouths ASEAN Foundation programme with Maybank Foundation.
Under the Arts & Culture pillar, Rotha, Kenneth, Citta, Naq, Samphors, Jolly (Huyen), Nana (Alysa), Ty and Loc spent time with me to create an arts awareness and appreciation programme for children from Generation Z called #senikidZ for 2 days during the regional training from 24th to 25th Jan and today, 26th Jan, they presented the programme to Maybank Foundation and ASEAN Foundation.
As I left my permanent post as the Executive Director of WOMEN:girls in December last year, I realised I wanted to grow as a mentor and facilitator to share and empower more people while I develop more skillset in community empowerment.
January have been an emotional challenge for me, not having a salaried job and trying to make it as a freelance facilitator. I have so much faith in myself now but I am struggling to get acknowledgement from the industry that I am an asset to be shared, not to be owned. And slowly, I redefine titles and purpose for myself and my existence.
Thank you for this opportunity – to be a better human being by being able to share every bit of my heart and knowledge with all of you.
Onwards and forwards – the world have hope for us to be better people!
Today I was the youngest senior citizen in the Tarsian ‘74 reunion.
There’s one thing I enjoy accompanying my mom to her high school reunion is to see these amazing people who still love and respect one another as Malaysians. They always have their teachers joining them, their camaderie and friendship astounds me. I would sit and listen to their stories, back in their school days of Tunku Abdul Rahman Secondary School in Gemas, Negeri Sembilan. My tok ayah (grandfather) was a policeman and he would stay with his family at the train station quarters and my mom grew up with children of the train station workers and sawmill workers nearby. This was their Malaysia. The teachers and the students have sense of belonging with each other, they grew up and stay connected to one another. I even end up making friends with Elisa, Uncle Baba Teh’s daughter who lives in Switzerland in the reunions before. Uncle Baba Teh who has been the constant organiser was also a teacher, who have been one of the most Malaysian person I know, sharing me stories how he used to be the Cina Baba man who organises kenduri doa selamat for the Muslims in his school.
I don’t have the close mother-daughter relationship with my mom. I was the only child among my 5 siblings who grew up entirely in boarding school so my parents never seen me grew up as a teenager. But as I grow older, I make sure I participate enough to understand how my mother grew up, her friends, her environment.
I grew up in a very Malay Musim privileged boarding school under the MRSM branch. I went to UiTM which is another Malay Muslim university. I never had the chance to have a friend from another race growing up. So when I entered the working force, I vowed to not be in the Malay Muslim environment anymore. I want to be the Malaysian that I am supposed to be. And being around these senior citizens inspire me to create the environment that I wish all Malaysians should have – diversity, understanding, respect, and most importantly love.
Being her chaperon to her reunions is truly a privilege, never a burden. Thank you, Mama. And Thank You Tarsians!!!
Hari ini aku bercinta
dengan sepenuh jiwa raga
setiap rongga bernafaskan kasih
setiap liang bersahutkan sayang
Ketika ini kau beradu
dengan sepenuh zahir batinmu
setiap senyum menyanyikan lagu
setiap pusing rapat padaku
Cintaku ini penuh ribut
Kasihmu pula meronta kalut
Namun aku akan tetap bercinta
dengan sepenuh jiwa raga
Supaya dapat aku laungkan
Semesta maya jagat raya
Bahwa aku telah dapat
membuat hidupmu indah
I have never been the happiest during those particular moments when my subconscious self took over me and make me write magical words that would produce the kind of poems that make me feel so proud when I read it back.
Terima Kasih Alam Semesta.
Terima Kasih Tuhan.
Terima Kasih Cinta.
Terima Kasih Raga
(cos Aku baru je masuk bakul dan angkat diri sendiri)
I know I don’t say this much outside or to you, but you’re one of the most important mentors in my life. I really think probably the person that I am right now is 20% nurtured by your influence, consciousness and love that I really look up to.
Whatever decisions that I make in my career and however I treat my fellow colleagues and teammates – is mostly a reflection of how you have trained me.
And thank you so much for the book and card.
A random gift is a great gesture.
Yesterday, one of my most important mentors gave me a gift which serendipitiously coincide with a new year resolution that I did not announce – reading (out loud)
I have always been so hard on myself. My humility has unfortunately boost my insecurity that instead of making sure that I don’t get too overwhelmed with my achievements, I end up thinking I am not good enough to be appreciated or not deserving of credits that I’m due for.
Reading this year shall be a good distraction for me. Instead of using my free time depressingly mopping about myself, I shall acquire knowledge and practice my diction.
May you reconnect with those who have inspired you and stay out of negative toxic on social media.
2019 started with me redefining how I contribute to the world. I want to redefine how I work, how I function, how I see things in different perspectives.
Started the day making breakfast for me and my partner and reading her to second chapter of Jostein Gaarder’s Sophie’s World. That particular chapter introduced Sophie to philosophy. We are either a child or a philosopher because “…the only thing we require to be good philosophers is the faculty of wonder.” I wanted to grow and see life differently. I want to be excited about life, I cannot be a whining adult who takes the world forgranted. And I also don’t want to be alive for another person, I want to be alive because life and world holds the best of wonders for me.
I exist in 2019 and I want to be more, not wanting for another person or institution to validate me for that ‘more’ that I needed. I will redefine things for myself. I have the answers to all the questions that I am asking, but I want to hear other people’s answers as well.
Oh, and I want to be a Social Media Influencer, not for the fame, but to use this social media tool to have my voice heard so change can happen, either for me or for another person – alongside the work and contributions that I make in the real world, those who puts up a different persona online, admit and own it, don’t deny it).
Good luck, Abby. You’re 37 this year and it’s never too late to either be a child or a philosopher. 🙂