Time after Time

04059-000019I always believe in the power of time. And how timely the universe map out our destiny for us. This afternoon, I realised my iTunes playlist that was shuffling all music, went through a couple of Chet Bakers. One that really hit hard on this shattered heart is, of course, “Time After Time”.

I used to be in love. Funnily, I wanted someone I can never comprehend why. Maybe it’s one of my brilliant theories of compatibility, and relationships. This person I wanted was the unattainable. Just because of how we are so different from each other, traits, behaviours, tastes, interests and also circumstances. But I always thought you need someone, the opposite of who you are, to complement you.

I promised myself the weirdest thing, that this person will eventually come to realise that she is for me. I don’t know what made me think that. We discussed how she is not interested in me and we should remain friends. I tried over and over again to convince myself that not by any realities that this partnership will work. And my subconscious dreamt of her, over and over again, for the past two years.

But I told the universe I wanted her. And the universe (sort of) told her that she needed me. For the weirdest favours, in the oddest circumstances.

For example, after 2 years plus, I asked again for a second chance, for a date on a particular day. And she said, we have agreed to be friends and this cannot be led on anymore. The day came and she needed me for a favour and we end up meeting and spending the evening with friends.

But love, love is painful. In an ideal world, we can never be together.

What I need to do is to tell myself, this is not love. This can’t be love. How can you fall for someone who doesn’t have feelings for you, who you don’t really know, who might not love you as much as you love them, who might not be a great supporting partner for the person that you aspire to be?

This is not love.

Time after Time, I shall remind myself of that.

And please help remind myself too. So universe can send me someone else.

One thought on “Time after Time”

  1. When I was much younger, I passed out while getting blood drawn, and I basically thought I went to hell. I was afraid, alone, threatened, confused, lost, terrified, and wasn’t sure what “I” meant. I wanted more than anything to just be able to understand what was happening. I was in darker than darkness and utterly terrified, though I didn’t know of what, and it didn’t matter. When I came to, I was so relieved to understand what I was seeing. I started balling. I told no one about that experience. That was over 10 years ago.

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