the dream

it was a couple of nights ago. a dream. with you in it. nothing corny. just us. being friends. like meeting someone whom you’ve known from a different life.

last night i didn’t dream of you. but then today i knew why. i wouldn’t say it here. just incase. by any god given destined fate, you’d stumbled on this post.

there are people in our lives that we are meant to be with. there are passer-bys. then there is me. and there is you.

but i have noticed you way earlier. and … like i’ve noticed those interesting people in my life, whom i end up loving, i hope that this might happen with you too.

i’ll let this flow without pressure. a stream of little river from on top of the mountain. i won’t build a dam. i will sit by it and put some leaves and watch the water bring the leaves to places it shall will.

and then …

“One day You will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon. Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet.” – Rumi

because friendship is a ship we sail together through sunny days and stormy nights

farah:  busy?
me:  not so much but yes actually. hahahaha, you know how I adore distractions so I know I need focus 😛
farah:  🙂
me:  whats up

then it comes out. the story. the mind-boggling ordeal to understand the opposite species. and to also understand why these people end up making us feel bad about ourself just because they are overwhelmingly insecure about themselves.

farah:  xpe babe. thanks so much. it does help talking to u. appreciate it a lot
me:  aaaaawwwwwwww. anytime babe. even so aku tak dapat banyak tolong. you know what should help. gi game zone kat midvalley. pastu main ketuk ketuk bunuh mosquitoes tu. hahahahahahaha
farah:  hahahaahhahahhaha. good. its my head that needs the knocking. lol
me:  it’s not. sebab if not. you’d see me knocking my head first. lagi teruk. hah
farah:  hahahahaa. u nak ketul buat apaa. u okkkk. u r not as dumbblond as me nowwww. lol
me:  you dah kaler rambut ke?
farah:  blomm. (censored) gerammmmm aku laa
me:  (censored)
farah:  bodhh. bodoh. bodoh
me:  😛 . Sebagai antara kawan yang rapat. I don’t find it even mildly offensive that I can measure (censored). hahahahahahahahahaha
farah:  and do i sound like i care?
me:  that’s why. hahahahahah
farah:  hahaaha. oh goshh. iloveour frenship. i really do. im glad i said u r interesting. lucky u dont disappoint me. lol
me:  Hahahahahahaha. Yes, likewise. kan kan kan
farah:  hihihihihi. see i dont just make remarks ok. i observe
me:  wahhhhhh
farah:  wakakakkkakakaa
me:  hahahaha, and your observation is so spot on! I observe too. that’s why i work on this friendship 😛
farah:  awwwww
me:  cos I know you’re interesting too. ahahahha. oh no. we;re back on our sappy talks. hahahahahaha
farah:  kann u know it shouldnt be a waste kan? LOL. we sound soo full of each other nw
me:  HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. Yes yes. Not a waste at all 😉 see, chenta hati title does not go wasted 😛
farah:  awwwwww. sometimes i feel like im not doing good enuff to be ur chenta hati. kadang2 i slalu takda when u need me

me:  if only I could count the times you’re not there when i need you, it wouldn’t measure to the times when you’re always there when I didn’t even call for you

farah:  awwww. huaaa. sappy. LOL
me:  hahahahahaa
farah:  im gonna paste this in fb!
me:  Yay!
farah:  not the chat but the quote
me:  hahahahaha. can can
farah:  too meaningfful to pass
me:  aaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

i don’t know when ..

i love my mother. seriously i do. with all my heart and soul. would die for her if i have to. like say we’re in an accident, i’d rather be the one stuck in the engines or get hold by a jammed seatbelt as long as it’s not her.

maybe that’s why it breaks my heart when she shows how she doesn’t trust me or have no faith in me.

she has this thing where she will think everyone is of to make her feel bad or she will feel victimised in most situation. then she thinks that everyone will lie and cheat her off.

i am not a perfect daughter, the perfect person she’d want as her daughter. not the perfect muslim she’d have in mind. i think i failed her in that department. that devoted prim and proper daughter who would marry a decent guy and give her grandchildren and live happily ever after.

it’s sad when she comes in my room this morning saying that sh haven’t seen me praying and it seems that i have lost faith in god somehow rather, in her eyes. she said i used to pray a lot, and repeated ‘used to’ but not recently or now. she said all these ‘amal jariah’ that i kept on insisting my life to be focusing on is not what will build my house in the heavens. i tried to tell her, i do remember god, i try to find time and pray. doesn’t mean that i don’t do that ‘puasa enam’ during syawal, that she doesn’t see me pray on the praying mat, that i am religionless, that i have lost my faith and principles, that i have drifted in the land of the non-believers and are doomed for eternal sentence in the hell-fire. that is of course for god to decide.

i cry when i think of god. because i know i’m a sinner. i think about the divinity, being grateful for what i have all the time. rumi mentioned, there are a lot of ways to remembering god, not just by prayers. and there are also a lot of ways you can pray to god, outside the 5 obligated times. praying mat has become a very sensitive and sacred place. not a time spent on it that i wouldn’t weep when i raised my hands asking for strength, and most of the strength i ask for from god, is not for me, most of them is for my loved ones. because i think, maybe i have enough strength, but does my loved ones have enough? so i pray that they are always calm and composed when they face difficulties in life and have the strength to carry on.

of course we don’t tell our loved ones, ‘i prayed for you today, you better be thankful to me.” never. we just don’t. we pray for good health and constant food in our rice pots. but most of all, we observe our loved ones from afar. we know their weaknesses. so we pray for strengths. we ask god to give strengths to them.

frankly, i have nothing in my life to live for. i don’t know anymore. the only thing that keeps me living this life, is the thought that i’m here for others. the more i carry myself alone in this life, the more life is in-debt to those around me. my thoughts are always about others, how can i cope and help them. it kills me when i feel helpless. even though i seem to isolate myself from the crowd, i have other people in my mind.

mom will say, help yourself first. help other people later.

but …

who do you help, when you’re selfless?