the dream

it was a couple of nights ago. a dream. with you in it. nothing corny. just us. being friends. like meeting someone whom you’ve known from a different life.

last night i didn’t dream of you. but then today i knew why. i wouldn’t say it here. just incase. by any god given destined fate, you’d stumbled on this post.

there are people in our lives that we are meant to be with. there are passer-bys. then there is me. and there is you.

but i have noticed you way earlier. and … like i’ve noticed those interesting people in my life, whom i end up loving, i hope that this might happen with you too.

i’ll let this flow without pressure. a stream of little river from on top of the mountain. i won’t build a dam. i will sit by it and put some leaves and watch the water bring the leaves to places it shall will.

and then …

“One day You will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon. Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet.” – Rumi

because friendship is a ship we sail together through sunny days and stormy nights

farah:  busy?
me:  not so much but yes actually. hahahaha, you know how I adore distractions so I know I need focus 😛
farah:  🙂
me:  whats up

then it comes out. the story. the mind-boggling ordeal to understand the opposite species. and to also understand why these people end up making us feel bad about ourself just because they are overwhelmingly insecure about themselves.

farah:  xpe babe. thanks so much. it does help talking to u. appreciate it a lot
me:  aaaaawwwwwwww. anytime babe. even so aku tak dapat banyak tolong. you know what should help. gi game zone kat midvalley. pastu main ketuk ketuk bunuh mosquitoes tu. hahahahahahaha
farah:  hahahaahhahahhaha. good. its my head that needs the knocking. lol
me:  it’s not. sebab if not. you’d see me knocking my head first. lagi teruk. hah
farah:  hahahahaa. u nak ketul buat apaa. u okkkk. u r not as dumbblond as me nowwww. lol
me:  you dah kaler rambut ke?
farah:  blomm. (censored) gerammmmm aku laa
me:  (censored)
farah:  bodhh. bodoh. bodoh
me:  😛 . Sebagai antara kawan yang rapat. I don’t find it even mildly offensive that I can measure (censored). hahahahahahahahahaha
farah:  and do i sound like i care?
me:  that’s why. hahahahahah
farah:  hahaaha. oh goshh. iloveour frenship. i really do. im glad i said u r interesting. lucky u dont disappoint me. lol
me:  Hahahahahahaha. Yes, likewise. kan kan kan
farah:  hihihihihi. see i dont just make remarks ok. i observe
me:  wahhhhhh
farah:  wakakakkkakakaa
me:  hahahaha, and your observation is so spot on! I observe too. that’s why i work on this friendship 😛
farah:  awwwww
me:  cos I know you’re interesting too. ahahahha. oh no. we;re back on our sappy talks. hahahahahaha
farah:  kann u know it shouldnt be a waste kan? LOL. we sound soo full of each other nw
me:  HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. Yes yes. Not a waste at all 😉 see, chenta hati title does not go wasted 😛
farah:  awwwwww. sometimes i feel like im not doing good enuff to be ur chenta hati. kadang2 i slalu takda when u need me

me:  if only I could count the times you’re not there when i need you, it wouldn’t measure to the times when you’re always there when I didn’t even call for you

farah:  awwww. huaaa. sappy. LOL
me:  hahahahahaa
farah:  im gonna paste this in fb!
me:  Yay!
farah:  not the chat but the quote
me:  hahahahaha. can can
farah:  too meaningfful to pass
me:  aaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

i don’t know when ..

i love my mother. seriously i do. with all my heart and soul. would die for her if i have to. like say we’re in an accident, i’d rather be the one stuck in the engines or get hold by a jammed seatbelt as long as it’s not her.

maybe that’s why it breaks my heart when she shows how she doesn’t trust me or have no faith in me.

she has this thing where she will think everyone is of to make her feel bad or she will feel victimised in most situation. then she thinks that everyone will lie and cheat her off.

i am not a perfect daughter, the perfect person she’d want as her daughter. not the perfect muslim she’d have in mind. i think i failed her in that department. that devoted prim and proper daughter who would marry a decent guy and give her grandchildren and live happily ever after.

it’s sad when she comes in my room this morning saying that sh haven’t seen me praying and it seems that i have lost faith in god somehow rather, in her eyes. she said i used to pray a lot, and repeated ‘used to’ but not recently or now. she said all these ‘amal jariah’ that i kept on insisting my life to be focusing on is not what will build my house in the heavens. i tried to tell her, i do remember god, i try to find time and pray. doesn’t mean that i don’t do that ‘puasa enam’ during syawal, that she doesn’t see me pray on the praying mat, that i am religionless, that i have lost my faith and principles, that i have drifted in the land of the non-believers and are doomed for eternal sentence in the hell-fire. that is of course for god to decide.

i cry when i think of god. because i know i’m a sinner. i think about the divinity, being grateful for what i have all the time. rumi mentioned, there are a lot of ways to remembering god, not just by prayers. and there are also a lot of ways you can pray to god, outside the 5 obligated times. praying mat has become a very sensitive and sacred place. not a time spent on it that i wouldn’t weep when i raised my hands asking for strength, and most of the strength i ask for from god, is not for me, most of them is for my loved ones. because i think, maybe i have enough strength, but does my loved ones have enough? so i pray that they are always calm and composed when they face difficulties in life and have the strength to carry on.

of course we don’t tell our loved ones, ‘i prayed for you today, you better be thankful to me.” never. we just don’t. we pray for good health and constant food in our rice pots. but most of all, we observe our loved ones from afar. we know their weaknesses. so we pray for strengths. we ask god to give strengths to them.

frankly, i have nothing in my life to live for. i don’t know anymore. the only thing that keeps me living this life, is the thought that i’m here for others. the more i carry myself alone in this life, the more life is in-debt to those around me. my thoughts are always about others, how can i cope and help them. it kills me when i feel helpless. even though i seem to isolate myself from the crowd, i have other people in my mind.

mom will say, help yourself first. help other people later.

but …

who do you help, when you’re selfless?

Final weekend of Syawal


Roadtrip to Pekan, Pahang = Cancelled. Due to the inattractive email notification at 11pm from France. I was too scared to open. Too scared. Work. Blergh.

Mom came in the room at 8am and started talking. I was chatting with her with half eyes closed. She haven’t been seeing me much cos of my late nights I guess. She went out and I tried to get back under the blankets.

Taj’s Open House = Decided to go anyway, since Pekan trip was cancelled. His condo at Bukit Antarabangsa is such an old school condo, although, freaky, since it’s the only condo at the edge of the Bukit Antarabangsa old entrance. Didn’t go inside. Arrived and immediately received praises for my baju kurung and had Agasthya on my lap. The cute little 5 year old has become quite attached to me, Sanju told me, he was asking for me when Jing picked them up in the car. He would sit next to me cos he knows I’d layan him. Children. They hold a soft spot in my heart. Was just there for 2 hours. Sat in between Geoff and Dayang as always, maybe because I can layan to both, mutually exclusive. Hahaha. Didn’t see anyone familiar. Good. It gets tiring, this Jejak Kasih business. Got home, went straight to Hafiz’s room, tried to sleep on his arms but he changed his position. Zonked out so didn’t care much. Woke up 2 hours later. Dizzy.

Adi’s Steamboat Dinner = Picked up Effasy at Bangsar. Effasy didn’t notice me driving Muid’s car although she walked right in front of the us. Haha. Got to Adi’s around 9.30pm, Iskandar was already whining about being hungry. He was already there with his friend TL. I couldn’t get her full name. Well, won’t complain cos mine is ABBY, basically pronounced as AB. The set up was perfect, we had the garden to ourself, under the tree, candlelight. My kind of set-up. The food was amazing. Vic came around 10ish and Farah joined us around 11ish. Perfect small dinner gathering. Stayed till 1.30am and helped clear the table. Small photo session (what do you expect when a group of photogs gather? *winks*). Arrived home, Hafiz was in my room watching YouTube. Pester him to finish quickly and zonked out.


Wake up early. Meeting Hazad at 10.30am, supposedly. Went down and saw Mama cooking mee. Immediately texted Hazad saying I’d be late. Hah. Got to Shah Alam at about 11.40am. Shah Alam Section 2 is a whole new world to me now. When the F did KFC was built??? I miss those old school Bus Mini in Shah Alam. These kids are so different. 4 years ago, there I was, with my newspaper and umbrella, and trying to find my way through the sardine-packed Bus Mini to go home at Section 8. Nowadays, kids all have cars to drive themselves around, UiTM kids are loaded I tell ya. Half of them might be spoilt brats too. Should’ve opened the admission to everyone. After all, it is under Majlis Amanah Rakyat, and Rakyat consists of Chinese and Indians as well.

Anyways, Hazad, Munir and Shahrimi were already at KFC Level 1. Discussed about Hazad’s wedding. Apparently I’m one of the boys now. *sigh* I shouldn’t be sighing. It’s a step to gender equality. The only thing why I would do this whole affair is that because these guys, namely Hazad and Munir, are nice gentlemen and are among those who have not judged me for my lifestyle, whatever it is anyway. I like open-minded people. Discussion went fine. I head home around 1.30pm. Thought I’d avoid Federal Highway and took the NKVE on my way back. I end up in GCE, the Guthrie C(whatever this is) Expressway and end up with oil plantations on my left and right. The sign shows Sg. Buloh / Kepong, so I thought maybe, maybe, it’ll take me home. Well, to be honest, it did, but VIA Kampung Pelong – Paya Jaras – Sungai Buloh – Kepong – HOME. Hah. I practically pulled an “Abby”. Exploring through getting lost. But hey, life is fun like that. And doing it alone, the only one panicking is myself, and the only one calming me down is myself. Fair enough, right?

Home. Mama complained about her feet, not feeling good. Prepared some warm water with sea salt for her to soak her feet with. And clipped her nails after that. Followed Abah to find an Indian barber for a cheap good haircut just to realise it’s the Deepavali weekend. Spent the whole night scanning pictures, fell asleep with a terrible neck position.

Come Monday. Had to read email. Work. Neck aches. Blergh.

Diwali – Sounds of Rangooli?

Adi has been recce-ing Brickfields for his Diwali shoot the whole week so since I will be staying in late, not wanting to rush home like other people who have family and life would do (not that I don’t have neither, but … well … nevermind), I told him I’ll join him. He came by around 10ish and tried some shots from my office.

We decided to just go down, waited for Effasy at the train station, and all three went down to put stuff in my car and sat at B’Sentral (down Jalan Vivekananda) to wait for others. We had our late dinner when the fireworks started to erupt. And also the policecopter was an amazing sight. I imagine George Michael’s “Outside” videoclip, where JAWI would torch those Suasana Condo upon seeing some sex orgies and whatnot. Hahaha. Who knows. They are capable (and obviously available) to be doing such things.

Iskandar and Muid joined a little later. Although Iskandar is freaking out from the constant bombing. I pity the guy, what if that #Bendera thing did happen? This poor guy got lemah semangat, we need to protect him first 😛 Anyways, we were later joined by Vic and Hurman, an interesting Majistret, so to speak. Hahaha. So we had the walk up and down the road in pursuit of Effa’s saree material. Adi had fun snapping pictures. The rest of us just walked to be part of the crowd.

Interesting really. How similar the cultures are when it comes to celebrating their respective festivals. If only we can understand and respect each other’s differences upon embracing the similarities.

After we went back to our cars, Vic and Hurman went off while we saw another part of Brickfields unexplored and decided to do that. Effa finally found the saree shop and bought 3 types of material, of course with our views on each, and thanked God for the metrosexuals, Muid and Iskandar, who happens to be great image consultants themselves. Hehehe. Effa did some good bargaining as well, cute, matter of fact.

Sent them all to their cars parked at Sooka’s parking lot and went home around 3am. Zonked. Out.

Welldone for my well-done steak!

Small gathering dinner at Judge’s.

Picked up Lisa, almost mistaken her house number, so much for my photographic memory, a glance of her address on Twitter’s DM, apparently didn’t capture the right image 😛 I never had a long chat with Lisa apart from a few drinking sessions. Especially when she doesn’t work here. We talked about driving experiences, and also our preferences for welldone steaks (apparently being called a sissy if we take welldone, we just agreed that it is tastier, more cooked and the burned sides are quite yummy too).

Got to Judge’s, steak was lovely. The guy can cook, he’s single and available with a great bachelor pad, you should get in touch with him now. Hahaha. And not to mention he’s a Dynamic Navigator on Off-Shore platforms, so, yes, you get all the freedom you want. Hahaha. I’m pimping him, he likes it that way. End up in his room, all 4 girls and a guy. Just cracking up on stuff, since we’re in the “Zone”. Suzie became extra funny, Zuraida tend to snap pictures, Lisa got to her engineer side talking about Real Player and NASA in one sentence, Judge just got stowwggg and I got breathless from laughing to hard non-stop. We end the night by chomping on 3 types of Pringles while watching Fashion Police on E!

Dinner at Judge’s always end up like how I would want it to be. Another night when I do have a life.

3rd Syawal Weekend

2 Open houses.

Judge’s at Kota Damansara at 3pm onwards


Yana’s at Teluk Gong around 5pm onwards.

I got to Judge’s at 4pm. Managed to even squeeze a drink at the mamak with the family around 3.30pm. Arrived there, immediately made myself at home, going straight to the kitchen and joined Suzie, Lisa, Mona and a newfound friend, Yaz, who did the catering for Judge. The food was good, and we just hangout at the kitchen since we have direct access to the delish desserts and our own spot to smoke. Am looking forward to dinner at Judge’s come 15th Oct. Hehe. I love small dinner gatherings.

Yana’s house is far, I know, but I didn’t anticipate Teluk Gong to be THAT FAR. From Kota Damansara, the traffic is ridiculously heavy, for I don’t know what reason. Managed to get to Salmi’s in Subang around 5.50pm. Picked her up then had to wait for the whole convoy crew to manage their way for us since only Salmi knew the way. Got to Yana’s around 8pm, thanks to crazy traffic at Jalan Warisan, Subang Jaya. And too many funny happenings when we got to Glenmarie Cove, one being the gate barrier almost crash down my windscreen. Gated communities are a hassle when it comes to security. When one Guard house is strict, the main office might not be, and when the security guards are basically Nepalese, or Bangladeshis, the miscommunication is so obvious, leading to anger and frustration. The best thing is that most of us are pretty much laid back and funny people, so we end up laughing at everything that happens. Joyful people. Plus, I make fun of everything, not to be superior or rude, but this body is made of funny bones, remember? 😉

Glenmarie Cove owns a private dock which is called the Semangin Pier. This dock overlooks Kerry Island and Pulau Indah. The row of bungalows by the dock side costs minimum RM1,000,000. We had a walk and a photoshoot by the Semangin Pier and it was amazing. It’s funny among the bunch of graphic designers, I was the only one manning Along’s (Yana’s eldest sister) 450D and I’m a freakin’ CSR analyst. But the pictures was great despite the fact I have no basic knowledge of shutter speed, aperture whatsoever. You can view my Flickr for the picture of the pier. (link on the sidebar). We hung out until 12.30am, before heading back. It was a LONG DRIVE from Teluk Gong to Selayang. It felt like going for an open house in … Seremban.

There’s only one more weekend left to Raya. I had to turn down a few open house invitations, and might do a roadtrip to Pekan, Pahang, for a wedding. Let’s see how it goes. My life is subjected to changes, and as I told my mom earlier, “Kais Pagi Makan Pagi, Kais Petang, Makan Petang”.

From Cynthia McKinney: Vers La Verité Speech in Paris

There were people there from all over Europe. A healthy contingent even took the bus or train from London. Many US ex pats came and heard Annie Machon tell of why she became a whistleblower at MI-5 (the British equivalent of our FBI); I spoke, and then after me, Giulietto Chiesa, former Member of Parliament, Italy, made a movie entitle “Zero,” which was played. Then Dr. Nils (I can’t remember his last name) who found the nanothermite material in the Ground Zero dust spoke about his research and that was totally fascinating. We are definitely hooked up with the right people in Europe and as a result, our coalition will be strong, diverse, and global.

Here are my remarks made tonight/this afternoon U.S. time:

Cynthia McKinney
Vers La Verité, Paris
October 10, 2009

President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize was not the only news yesterday. And in my opinion, it’s not even the biggest news. It’s not even the saddest news. But it does provide us with some critical information as we move forward. The three-part question for us, tonight however, is “What are we moving forward TO; is that the place we want to go; and if not, what do we do about it?

In other words, “What is our vision for the future and how do we define success?”

I have been and am still in deep pain over the institutional homicide of my aunt and in my grief, I’ve considered giving up.

But then, I wiped the tears from my eyes long enough to remember communities of people that I’ve been blessed enough to get to know, from Toronto, Canada to Cape Town, South Africa; from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to Valdosta, Georgia, there are people struggling through their own pain, their own deep personal disappointments to reach a better place—not just for themselves, but for the global community of man. And I know deep in my own heart, as broken as it is, that I cannot give up. My brain tells me that the struggle for truth, justice, peace, and dignity is too important to lose because of heartbreak.

The one thing that probably best defines everyone in this room are our search for and activities on behalf of principles that are bigger than ourselves. We want our governments to tell us the truth; we want them to deliver justice; we want our global community to live in peace; and we want respect for the dignity of all humankind.

So if these are the ingredients of our vision, what tools do we need to produce the desired result?

Well, first of all, the desired result has to have definition.

Continue reading From Cynthia McKinney: Vers La Verité Speech in Paris

From’s Paul Hilder – Obama peace prize?

Dear friends,

Barack Obama just won the Nobel Peace Prize! Let’s define this moment as a challenge to be bold — let’s flood Obama with worldwide congratulations, urging him to go further and turn hope into change:

The winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize has just been announced — and it’s US President Barack Obama.

Obama himself says he’s “surprised, humbled” and doesn’t yet deserve it — but he’s accepted the Prize as a call to action, “to confront the common challenges of the 21st century” together. On too many pressing issues, the US President seems boxed-in by stubborn interests and has not yet taken courageous action. He deserves to hear our congratulations — and our message to be bolder.

Let’s do our part to define the challenge this Prize poses to Obama and us all — let’s flood Obama with a million messages of encouragement and urgency, pressing him to turn hope into action in the coming months on nuclear disarmament, climate, and desperately-needed peace in the Middle East and Afghanistan. Sign the Obama Peace Petition now and we’ll deliver it directly to the White House — then forward this email to all your friends.

In his Cairo speech this June, Obama spoke of “the world we seek” — one where “extremists no longer threaten our people, and American troops have come home; a world where Israelis and Palestinians are each secure in a state of their own” and nuclear energy does not trigger conflict — a world where governments serve their citizens, and the rights of all are respected.

Obama’s words have offered a vision of profound change: all this can perhaps not be achieved overnight. But his push for Middle East peace has not yet been strong enough to overcome the resistance of hardliners in the region. Meanwhile, hawks and conservatives in the US are pressing him to commit 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan, instead of changing course to focus more on peace, development and diplomacy.

Continue reading From’s Paul Hilder – Obama peace prize?

Wacky Bar at PJ Life & Arts Centre

I wouldn’t drop names but this is merely promotion. Hehehe. When Angelia told me that she wants to ask me and Muid to join her to watch Ida Mariana in Wacky Bar, of course I gave a confirm YES. First because I adore Ida Mariana, second because I’m her groupie, third because I didn’t get to hangout much with Angelia because of our schedules and this is the perfect time for it. Not to mention that it was a treat, THANK YOU SO MUCH LIA!!! Hehehe.

It was quite a funny day to begin with, because we had the office team photoshoot and I managed to hangout with Adi and meet up a new friend (well, at least it was our first time meeting each other) for a drink. Thanks for the treat (Good lord, I sound like a freeloader don’t I?). I managed to get to PJLA in time, bumped into Sani when I was there, and Nish too, who came with her mom. Thanked God Muid managed to make it there JUST IN TIME they close the door.

Directed by Joanna Bessey, all in all, the Wacky Bar is a great show. It tells the tales of ordinary people with ordinary issues who frequented this Bar owned by Wacky. Maya Tan Abdullah did a great job with her Thai character, Ida was ….. hahaha, believable as always, making us, in between of understanding her situation or getting annoyed with her neurotic behaviour. The best thing about the whole show is the dances to retro mixes in between. Hehehehe. It does make you part of the Wacky Bar. If only it was a private viewing and my seat is at the last row, I would’ve stood up dancing myself. Brilliant way to change settings as well! And the cast did it instead of the crew which I thought was magnificent! The whole cast was excellent, from Patrick Teoh to Junji Delfino, from Na’a Murad to Iedil Putra, from Daphne Iking to Gavin Yap. Of course and all the rest of them.

Unfortunately they have wrapped up for today, but rumour has it, next stop should be Sin Jia Por. So people of the land where the todak crashes, be prepared for Wacky and his team okay!!! I’m not a big follower of plays and theatres in Malaysia but I do get to view some if it fits my schedule. I have not been those Instant Cafe groupies and whatnot, but yes, I’m a groupie by default in life. It was quite funny to say I actually have been watching Ida Mariana in Puteri Gunung Ledang without me realising that one day, we would be friends, taking pictures of our feet together.

Again, thanks to Lia for the treat, the great company of Don and Muid. Great to be bumping into Sani and Nish. And a great hangout afterwards with Ida M. and her friend (Elmira was it?), Nish and Maya Tan who dropped by our table at Oldtown. Also bumped into some familiar faces at Jaya One. Hahaha. KL is getting smaller by the minute!