It has been awhile since I last wrote anything. Melayu MEMANG Malas. Be it from Pagar Ruyung or India or Patani or Acheh like my Ancestors. Sama sahaja.
Okay, I’m not here to bitch about … my roots. Although in the near future, we are all going to be labeled under one race – Bangsa Malaysia. Which is good. I never feel so much Malaysian than I am now despite the political propaganda happening in the news and elsewhere outside my realm. The people I am surrounded with are the best support system and love promoters around and I couldn’t be more blessed.
Okay, I’m not here to take pride about … my support system … wait, yes, I AM.
Today is 3rd Ramadhan. In half an hour, we will enter the third day of fasting, so as I finish my final glass of water for the day, I shall write about what is and has happened in the past few weeks.
It has been 3 weeks … since I saw her. I do miss her. Tremendously a lot. After 18 months she disappeared, then she was there, then we hugged, then, still without words, she disappeared back into where I can’t reach her, in that darkhole vacumm I never know where, where my radar (since my gaydar sucks) can’t even seem to work. I do miss talking to her. It is tough, although I have taught myself otherwise. I wish she would’ve just said one word, but from that one, I will crave for more words, because I’m an addict, easily addicted to one person, and she, is a whole different issue when it comes to my addiction. Maybe it’s for the best, Wallahualam, only God knows.
My friend Vic is flying to perform her umrah later this afternoon. It’s amazing to know someone your age has found the light, and is in her spiritual journey in finding God, although we both have agreed that we don’t need to look any further than to just close our eyes and talk to God. It’s simply amazing being close to her these past few weeks, being able to talk about how we lost someone we loved (ie the above person mentioned), and putting it all to our Faith to believe that all these happens for the best reason, wishing the one who left us the best in life and love and so forth. Last Thursday, during BREATHE, Vic dropped by to give me something before she left. It was ‘A Year With Rumi’ book, something I have been eyeing for so long. She said she bought it in Singapore and wished I don’t have a copy yet so she can give this one to me. Although she couldn’t stay long until my reading turn comes up, hugging her and seeing her sweet self was a great pleasure. I have overcome wanting to date or fall in love with someone because the people I meet, such as Vic, gave me those love without judgement, maybe not the one people would perceive as a “love relationship”, but one God willing for me to have, one that makes me smile and know for sure, I AM LOVED. Last night, I called her to wish her well and safe for her journey, her solo spiritual journey, that I am very excited for her and will always pray for her safety and blessings.
These past few weeks, it has been easy for me to fall in love with the new friends I’ve made. By time, I have never felt so love, by people who knew me, and who just got to know me. My vocation is love, a very ambitious pursuit, one I think I’m born for.
Mama asked me last night, if I have a boyfriend. I laughed. I said no. I find all the guys I’m with to be my brothers. Then she said her office people said that her daughter might be gay. I told Mama, if I am gay (yes, IF?), where’s my girlfriend? I just told her, if Rabiatul Adawiyah, a great Wali Allah, can be unmarried, I think I’m one of those not meant for marriages.
It’s not that I am against any kind of partnership. I once told her (ie the above person mentioned), that I would be that one, who will take care of her. I will make a great domestic partner, of course Serena agreed so, due to my greatly publicised responsible trustworthy attitude 😉 I also have no hesitation to actually have a place of my own, and live with someone, I can go there, I can settle down like that, I am that kind of person who will want to go back home to someone. But since there’s none at the moment, my priorities shifted to other things. Like My family. My friends. My cats. Yes. I is no life. 😛
Since I can’t write any more poem of late, let me share one of my favourites, the last poem I sent to her.
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
~ Pablo Neruda