malam isnani

kakak mydin ni bingit la. its 11.23pm. sibuk la galak bergossip. hurm. I just got back from the Malaysian Short Film screening at HELP. okayla. went there alone, met someone, had a ciggie partner. thats good enough for an occasion where you know no one. the short films are good, but I love “Qalam” by Hadi Koh the most. Its about a man searching for God at the wrong places. But I nearly cried towards the end. It brings perspective. Altho “Comolot” which won the top vote for the night deals with a terrific issue, “homosexual love”, I still think “Qalam” is the best. The others hold some key essence in their respective manner. Bravo for the effort. Altho I was a bit disappointed with how the students, filmakers-to-be brought themselves. Without articulation, they barely answer what was asked. This is quite saddening, when some of us who know shit about film making can talk about it passionately, but those who are given the opportunity of knowledge and facilities, couldn’t even understand what was asked, let alone answer it correctly. This is a pity because they do have potential in film-making and if in the future, their films worth the film festivals, how could they bring themselves as ambassadors of the country? I know creative people aren’t always the most articulate, but at least, some passion and drive when asked concerning the field they breathe in. I know this is not learned in school. the art of answering lies in the initiative of the person. 11.30pm. kakak mydin have resided in a quieter manner. okayla. but battery is out. malas nak charge. will head down to watch tv. yes, the idiot box. I’m not that smart anyways. cos I always write about kakak mydin. as if I have nothing better on my mind. well, I don’t actually. heh.

sesuatu yang terindah

suatu masa dahulu, penulisan saya pernah diberi kata “indah”. ketika itu, hati ini baru mendalami erti cinta dan kasih sayang. seakan bunga yang segar bugar. seronok melayani si kumbang dan lebah yang berterbangan.

kini, semua itu seperti cerita cinta semalam. hari ini, tiada indah dalam tulisan, tiada indah dalam pemikiran. suria yang dipuja hanya memandang. bulan yang dicinta, kadang kala menjengah. langit seakan akan tidak mempeduli.

tiada indah lagi apa pun di sini. saya seperti hati yang sudah mati. ingin menulis, seakan memaksa diri. hasilnya, langsung, tiada seri.

saya impikan sesuatu yang terindah. tetapi, setiap kali saya menyebutkan ayat itu di kepala, di dada, sebaknya tidak terhingga. sesuatu yang terindah bukan lah indah semata-mata. sesuatu yang terindah sebenarnya agak menyakit jiwa.

iya. abby sudah gila. tiada indah lagi di sini. hanya seorang gadis gila.

one sunday night to a monday morning

its 2.07am. kakak mydin’s lights are on but I doubt they’re still awake. unless they couldn’t sleep because my lappie was quite loud. I was playing some hindi songs then I played “Before Sunset”. the movie has ended but I am replaying it to listen to the dialogue. I love the movie so much. it inspires me so much. in terms of thinking and the art of conversation. julie delpy did a very good job co-writing the script. and I can’t wait for her new movie “2 Days in Paris”. I personally think Julie Delpy is a great great personality. She can sing, write songs, act and now, she’s directing and writing films. its great. and she reads a lot of poetry. whats more interesting, she have her parents featuring in most of her movies, and in “2 Days in Paris”, they will be playing her parents. that would be so cool. well, she is indeed a cool genius.

today, I had my rest, sleeping and eating and yeah, resting. I had my radiator serviced, thanks to colonel who sponsored. heh. being broke in the middle of the month sounds pathetic enough for me. funnily, rezeki sentiasa murah and my car always have fuel and toll money is always there. but yeah, it is pathetic to be broke. but I managed to attend to the reporter at the islamic arts museum who’s doing a coverage on the exhibition my foundation organised and then, on my way back, I got to hang out at my usual spot, had my iced-milo and read. and also bumped into a friend. whom I always enjoyed sitting with, even in silence. some people just brings us that kind of comfort. we can just have our smoke and sit in silence. or she will do her work and me my reading and in silence, we can enjoy each other’s presence. well, I don’t know about her, but I do find that comforting. the other day, we drove around in the middle of the night cruising down freakin’ rich lords’ houses, admiring and bitching about them, and got our brain filled with smoke and just, enjoyed the company.

this made me realised how much I enjoy being in the presence of someone comforting without the requirement of such luxury, being noticed in kl’s hottest spot or indulging in good fine food (although I wouldn’t mind doing all three), but whats more better is that … cruising in the car, or even just parking, in the middle of the night, smoking and enjoying each other’s presence. thats enough.

tomorrow (or today, since its 2.19am monday morning already), I intend to puasa qada’. but I don’t know how bout I’d cope up, since this will be the first since I heavily indulged in nicotine. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. well, I got to try now, ramadhan is coming.

starting next week (or is it this week since its isnani already), I’ll have more time to myself. I will make time for myself. I need to have a better sleeping routine, and I need to adjust myself to certain things. I want to come home a bit earlier, and maybe just have more time to read. just stop by ali maju and have my milo ice or vanilla coke and read by myself. I always enjoy that. its great to be single (sometimes). catching up with my reading. there’s a lot to catch up. and hopefully to take up at least one more course end of the year. self-development. studying with people who are working is so much fun. they’re more open. its fun. we have time to compliment and bitch about work. and traveling. oh boy, do I want to travel. and I want to meet more people. so I can be more intelligent. I think I’m stoopeet right now. like really, not enough brain works up there. I want to have more fun lepak session with lots of conversation.

I’ll try to write a poem for this one.

I want to smell you

like a mother smelling her freshly born baby

like a baby smelling her mother’s nipple for milk

like a kid smelling his dessert

like a bee smelling honey.

I want to hug you

when it gets cold and dark

when it gets tough and hard

when it gets lonely and sad

when you’re here beside me.

I want to see you smile

when I make you laugh

when I make you mad

when I make you sad

when I make you care.

You don’t let me smell you anymore.

You don’t let me hug you anymore.

You don’t let me make you smile anymore.

You don’t want me anymore.

You loved me a little less if not none at all.

I’ll leave you now when you don’t want me.

But I’ll be there when you need me.

Not because I care.

But because I’m born to be there.

Its 2.33am. I can’t sleep because I’ve slept earlier. Tomorrow I have work, but I need to make sure I won’t crave for more nicotine if I want to fast.